Kaden
October 17th 2019
From the beginning, we knew something would be wrong. The initial pregnancy blood work was not normal. I remember getting that call in class while I was in nursing school. My friend, Beth, saw that I was upset and that something was wrong so she left class with me and bought me ice cream. Thank you Beth, that kind gesture and conversation made me continue that pregnancy feeling optimistic and strong rather than defeated. It meant more to me than you’ll ever know.
The initial ultrasound was also abnormal. The lady performing the test kept making perplexed faces and that was very frustrating to endure when they aren’t allowed to answer questions or tell you that something is wrong. After she finished she led me to a private room and said that a doctor would call on the telephone shortly. That is how I found out my baby would die. Alone in a strange room, talking on the phone with a doctor that I had never met nor never would, as he’s recommending an abortion.
I chose to continue the pregnancy. They did not know specifically what would be wrong and I was okay with that. They did, however, tell me that I would likely miscarry within the first 16 weeks, but they were wrong.
I had to apply for medicaid and wanted to be at a specific hospital. But only their OBGYN clinic accepted that insurance. So every doctors appointment was with a different doctor whom felt obligated to tell me every time to get an abortion. It got to a point when my conversations were as scripted as theirs and I would announce as soon as they walked in, “Yes I know there is something wrong and no I’m not having an abortion.” It was frustrating that they continued to recommend it every single visit.
Each ultrasound there was another thing wrong. He’s too small. The amniotic fluid is low. He’s missing part of his brain……and so on. I stopped making those visits for a little while because it just became too much. And then when I did go back he had grown the part of his brain that was previously missing. I declined an amniocentesis because it didn’t matter to me what he had and I didn’t want to increase my risk of having a miscarriage.
It was only a matter of time before his little body would give out. So the only thing that I prayed for was that he make it long enough for me to hold him.
On the evening of July 12th he wasn’t moving around as much. I had a doctors appointment the next day and prayed he would hold on until then.
At the appointment they had trouble finding the heart beat, because it was beating too slow. They brought in a bedside ultrasound to look and saw that his heart was still beating, it was just going back and forth between slow and fast. So they rushed me into a c-section. The doctor tried to convince me to let him pass naturally and then give birth. But I wanted to hold him while he was still alive.
On Friday the 13th of July, Kaden was born into this world. He was one pound one ounce and the length of a barbie doll. They said that he was too small to try and put tubes in him to save him. He lived for an hour and a half before passing away peacefully. He never cried or looked uncomfortable, he was just there in our arms.
We found out later that Kaden had a chromosomal abnormality called Trisomy 9 which is described as being “incompatible with life”. It was not inherited but just something that happens spontaneously. He changed our lives in so many ways and if I had to do it again, I would. I think Kaden came into our world to make me stronger and prepare me for what would come later in life.