Fourteen Years
7/13/2021
2021 marks fourteen years since Kaden passed away. For all of those years, I’ve been able to say that God has blessed me with beautiful sunny days for his birthday. This is the first year that it has rained. It rained so hard this morning that it made a part of me hesitant on visiting his grave like I normally do. This was also the first year that my son Wesley did not want to go to the cemetery with me. I’m not mad or hurt in any way, but happy for him that he is able to make these types of decisions for himself. It is a bittersweet moment in our lives that he can move forward from this loss. And in recognizing that, there is healing and peace.
It’s difficult to describe the feelings that come on this day every year. My emotions vary just like todays weather. I’m up and down, I’m happy than sad, I’m strong but weak. Sometimes it’s easier to go through the motions of the day than to actually stop and allow the emotions to be felt. But we owe it to ourselves to let that love and loss be present on this day. So much has changed these past 14 years, and I’m okay with that. I used to revolve my day around my plans to visit Kaden’s grave. But now my day revolves around my living children and my visit to Kaden fits in where it can. The hurt is still there and the heart will always ache. But no matter the changes in our lives, this day will always arrive. It will forever be Kaden’s day and he will never be forgotten.
I didn’t 100% know for sure what time I would be visiting Kaden today. But it just so happened that my visit lined up with a break in the clouds allowing me to still have my traditional sunny visit. I was able to smile and wish, for the fourteenth time, that my first baby boy have a Happy Heavenly Birthday. I love you and miss you always.