8/17/2022

Just like Christmas, it hurts to shop for birthday presents. Again, there aren’t many things that he can use. I went to Target today and I found myself wandering, like most mothers do, but wandering to find something we could get him. I contemplate if I dare look in the toy isle or if I should stick with the same old boring baby section. Better just avoid the disappointment and stick with the baby section. A section that once brought joy and happiness but is now just a painful reminder of the infant stage we forever remain stuck in. Not wanting to get emotionally trapped in there, staring at things that could have been, I make my way to the clothing section. Oooo, Halloween clothing and pajamas! Jackpot!!! But his birthday was in March, I would never buy fall themed clothing if we had celebrated on time so it feels kind of wrong. They are long sleeved and it’s not yet cold enough for that, so I stuff the pajamas in my basket and promise to put them back if I find a different set that seems more appropriate. Lo and behold they have just the right stuff; the T-shirt and pant combo. I quickly look through the options to see which designs they have (I’m supposed to be home soon to take one of my other kids to an activity, so I’m trying to be fast). I see a few doable choices. I look at the sizes wondering if I’m even in the right section since I don’t remember at what size they move over into the big kid section. I need 5T…….. 5T and he’s 7 years old. 5T…. The shirt will for sure fit him but I’m not 100% sure if the bottoms will since he’s so skinny. But I did just buy two pairs of 5T on prime day and they fit great. I just bought two pairs….. do I really need to buy more? Of course I do, he has to have something to open, even though he physically can’t do that. And then it hits me again like a punch to the throat. How much longer will we be able to buy clothes for him? Could this be the last size we ever purchase? Will he still be around to move up another clothing size? I feel the strain in my forehead and the warmth in my eyes as I start to panic. I tell myself I won’t cry in this store and that I won’t fall down this dark hole here. What am I doing? Why am I even thinking about all of this? Just put the damn Halloween ones back and run out of the store with two things you know will work. So I do. Quickly leaving behind my fears and pushing my emotions back in check. I leave not able to recognize if I’m happy or sad. If we are being very basic and goal orientated, I should be happy that I’m leaving with something. But obviously I’m sad that I had to argue with my brain again. Sometimes I wish I could shut it off. I wish I could just complete tasks without going down an emotional and confusing rabbit hole.